Battle Cries was an e-wrestling promo written by Little Red Riding Hood on February 28, 2010 for a match against Roseanne at Insanity LIVE from San Juan. The match was the first ladies match sanctioned by Lords of Pain Wrestling for the previous five years.

The promo scored a 4.03 aps in a winning effort.


Dear Roseanne,




I can no longer do it! I can not hold back all their tears anymore. The dam in my eyes has burst open and now they overflowing my face with their flooding tears. I am drowning in their ocean of emotion. They are all so hurt right now. I can not believe what you have done to them! They did not do anything wrong. The tears are leaking through my face again. Oh no!


Do you know why I cry?

You should know.

This is all because of you.

You committed infanticide against my future babies.


The babies inside of me are all crying cuz their future mommy can not give birth to them after you and cYnny started to date. You are a murderer of my yet-to-be-infants. You took away all of my future babies. They all wanted to suck my nipples and be comforted with my bountiful bosoms then drink my sweet boobie milk. But guess what? I can not boobiefeed anyone now, all thanks to you.

My soon-to-be-newborns are stuck. They are caged and imprisoned inside my tummy like a pack of prisoners. I can hear Little Matthew crying to me that the umbilical cord is shackled to his belly button along with all the other babies. He tells me that the rest of the babies are chained together by umbilical cords like a chain gang. I hear them crying to me. They shout.

MOMMY! MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAHH!! Help us get out of here! Get laid so we can get out of here! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I want to tell them mommy is getting bonked so that they can get out. But I can not, I can not do anything since cYnny left me for you! They do not deserve this. My babies are all innocent. All they want to do is get out so they can live a normal life like most babies have. They can build blocks on top of each other or poop in a diaper. But no, cuz of you, They are living in unsanitary conditions. For one, they have no where to poop. Little Johnny tried to kick my stomach the other day because I can not get any diapers to them. I have tried for a long time, but a 12 pack of huggies does not fit inside me. So now, every time I need to go toot in the toilet, I need to poop their poop too. That is in addition to my own tooting poop. I smell like a skunk after eating leftover beans.

And not only that, but all the babies want something different. Little Katie cries cuz she wants a dollie. Little Bobby cries cuz he is very bored. Betty cries cuz she wants to be cuddled. Fat Elliot wants to be fed pork loin baby food. And Little Billy cries cuz the other babies will not cry to him, so he feels left out, and now cuz he is a loner, he is gonna go emo on the rest of the unborn babies. I really want to get Billy out so he does not take a knife and start cutting the wrists of the others. But again, I can not do that, Thanks to you Roseanne.

Why would you care? You got out of your mommys vagina a-ok. You do not know what it is like to be trapped inside a stomach. I can still remember the moment that the Big Bad Wolf swallowed me and I saliva-slided down his esophagus and into his belly. It was so dark down there. Just when his digestive system was about to kick in and transform me and Grandmother into wolf poop, Krimmy snipped open his belly and rescued us. That was one happy ending. The scratches and bruises eventually went away, but the emotional scarring seemed like it would stay with me forever and ever and ever. Grandmother would always tell me that everything would be okay, but Things never did get better.




I can not bare to let you do this to my babies.

Tonight, I am gonna take all my babies cries and take their agony to place on you. I could fire you any time I want, but I would much rather play a game with you. I am gonna beat you so bad, you would have wished your mommy gave you an abortion. If Little Bobby and Billy and Katie and Frances and Johnny and all my other future babies must be trapped agony, then you shall as well.

You know what I am gonna do?

Their cries will be my battle cry as I pop your head like a broken condom.

I will take the cribs from my babies rooms and whack you in the noggin with them. I may even stick your head in the vertical wooden bars. Then I will go into a different room and I will hear you cry in the baby monitor to let you go. I will not even listen to you until your crying gets so annoying that I will be forced to come back where I will be upset and dump baby powder in your face. Then I will hit you time after time after time with a number of stuffed animals.

If that is not enough, I am gonna force my hand into your mouth, and your suck on it like its a pacifier before I pull your tongue out and tie my wrestling boots with it.

You will cry out to me that you need to go potty, but I will not even let you have a potty break.

After that, your intestines will hang out of your tummy and I will play jump rope with it. As I jump over the twirling intestine, I will come up with a little rhyme.

Little Red took an axe,
And gave Roseanne fifty whacks,
When Little Red saw what he had done,
She gave Roseanne another for fifty-one.

That might be going too far. Too bad. I am gonna make you cry like never before Roseanne. And because I am really serious about this, I am gonna use my Insanity Genie Manager powers and make a special stipulation for this match. If you win, I will let you and cYnny live happily ever after. Forever and ever.

But when I win, I get to have the sperm from cYnnys who-ha so that I can release my babies. How do you like them apples?

Tee hee hee hee hee.

Little Red

See alsoEdit

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