Little Red promo (Body Count) was an e-wrestling promo written by Little Red Riding Hood on July 31, 2009 in a No Disqualification match against cYnical at Body Count.

The promo scored a 4.13 aps in a losing effort.


Please read this love letter, my dear Little Red
Once finished, you won’t think I’m a congenital inbred

I don’t understand, why cYn felt he must restrain
For you, it must have caused so much pain

He doesn’t know what he’s doing, he must be so lost
To get off, he must rely on huge pornography costs

But for me, my feelings for you are just and true
Like an orgy with honey and Winnie the Pooh

If I were you, in love with me I would be
I look at you and my pants stretch considerably

If you let me take you out for one night on the town,
It would be more fun than butt-smelling Big B. Brown

You're so amazingly gorgeous, your hair is so straight
I would do you forever, even if you smell like fish bait

Your backside is so firm, very pleasant and very plump
I don’t care if you have hemorrhoids that cover your entire rump

I have so many compliments, I could go on for hours
But after thinking of you, I must take a cold shower

Just know that the love which is most intense
Starts off with a letter full of initial silence

I just hope the day when you’re ready to cross that bridge
Our love will shine brighter than the light in my fridge

~ Love Always,
Your Secret Admirer

The Kilmainham Gaol crowd has worked itself into a frenzy as the final pre-show match finishes between Ø and one of the LPW’s newest developmental talent. The lights go dim in the Irish jail prompting the crowd to react with “oohs” full of anticipation. After a few moments of darkness, the stage lights change over to indicate a new portion of the show is beginning. A solemn hush falls over the crowd as darkness lingers longer than it normally does.

Phoenix: Welcome Insanity fans to our pre-show special, airing LIVE on! We are just minutes away from tonight’s pay-per-view. Before we cut LIVE, the producers in the truck have informed me that we’re going to be joined here in a moment by a special guest…

Suddenly... a familiar metalcore beat begins to play, and a song that we all know blares through the speakers.

Phoenix: That’s Little Red’s music!

SoL: Good job Sherlock. I’m so glad to see you’re on your A-game tonight. But what exactly is the Insanity General Manager doing out here before the start of our pay-per-view?

Phoenix: Well, she isn’t dressed to be play Patty Cake, that’s for sure.

The guitar riffs of “The Crimson” plays and the crowd goes wild as Little Red makes her way out onto the top of the ramp. Wearing a pair of knee pads and elbow pads, and some sneakers to accommodate her white high stockings, Little Red looks ready to compete later in the night, but she’s not her usual animated self. She seems to walk with contemplation, carrying her patented wicker basket in her left arm. She pauses at the top of the ramp and scans the crowd with her white doll eyes while the haunting song continues in the background.

The Insane Brain starts a slow skip down the ramp. She moves slowly, yet gracefully, with the resolve of a woman on a mission. With each purposeful step, there is only one spotlight on in the Kilmainham Gaol pointed directly at Little Red. In the shadow of the spotlight, you can barely make out the massive figure of Krimson Mask following close behind her.

Phoenix: I don’t know, SoL. I’ve always known Little Red as being a little bit loopy, but why on earth would she book herself against cYnical in a No Disqualification match? Whatever she has planned, it can’t be good.

SoL: I’m not sure, and I’m not sure if I want to know. When she has Krimson Mask in her corner, I guess your confidence can rise quite a bit.

As Little Red finishes her stroll down the ramp, she looks around, almost seemingly confused. She starts to go up the stairs, but instead changes her mind and makes her way to the far side of the ring near Phoenix and SoL at the commentary table. Immediately with one swift motion, Little Red snatches the microphone from Announcer, then slides into the ring and sets down her wicker basket. The camera momentarily changes to Krimson Mask, who has stayed at ringside to seemingly to keep a watchful eye. The camera changes back to Little Red, who has grabbed a red-and-white checkered picnic cloth from her basket and lays it down in the center of the ring. The single spotlight now focuses on the picnic cloth as Little Red as Alex Varkatzas shouts out the next stanza.

Little Red sits Indian-style on the red-and-white staggered fabric imprints. She opens the lid from the wicker again, rummaging through various contents of what’s inside. From out of the wicker basket, She pulls out a beautiful glass vase with a dead rose inside, leaning helplessly to the side. She positions it ever so carefully in front of her. Once content, she takes the microphone in her lap, sitting down…and stares. Her eyes scream at the remnant put in front of her. In the very center of the ring, she looks down with a type of intensity in her eyes reserved for only one intended listener. Everything else around her…the fans…the cameras…the millions watching on the internet…even Krimson Mask…are not acknowledged during this public moment of seclusion.

SoL: Just look at her eyes BP. Its like the blue pigment has been eclipsed in blackness. I thought Krimson Mask was intimidating, but the way she’s staring with those dark eyes at that vase sends shivers down my spine. Her face looks so cold that it could put out a Flame.

Phoenix: This match later tonight is going to be very unpredictable I can gather. It looks like she’s gonna speak.

Little Red finally lifts her head up and begins to blankly look at the crowd. Her beautiful eyelashes blink like feathers over her pupiless eyes. Little Red leaves her zombie expression as she finally raises the microphone to her mouth. From out of the scattered items in front of her, she retrieves a glass vase with her free hand and begins to scan the clear item’s texture with her eyes.

Little Red: Daniel? Do you know how much work goes into making a beautifully-sculptured glass vase? I am sure I told you at some point during our relationship, though I am sure you never listened. It all begins with a dream. You ponder and you ponder and you ponder and take that vision and shape it in your head, then write it down on a piece of parchment. You drown your pen in a sea of ink, then meticulously scratch your pen against the paper, drawing the vase sculpture whichever way you remembered in your head. Its quite harder than it sounds. You must focus on the shape, making sure every little detail is parallel to the next side.

Little Red is speaking very softly into the microphone, like a whisper into a lover’s ear. She’s not looking up at the populace occupying the Kilmainham Gaol, but rather staring down at the vase title that lies before her in the middle of the ring.

Little Red: Once the picture is the way I wish, I prepare tools and equipment in front of a furnace. Krimmy always did this for me, and used a bench to gather several different types of shears, paddles, and tweezers. The most important tools is a blowpipe, a marver, and a punty.

SoL: BP, I have never seen Little Red like this before. Usually she’s on some kind of sugar-rush? But not now. Who took the sugar plums away from her this morning?

Little Red: Krimmy would gather molten glass and place it in the furnace for me. The flames inside of it would be too hot for me. On the pre-heated end, the molten would be rolled on a marver, then air would have to be blown in. I was so good with the blowpipe. I would take my hand and grip it ever so gently. Looking up with my submissive eyes, I would open my mouth and stick out my tongue, deep-throating that long piece of sculpture and blow into it…ever…so…softly. Does that sound hot to you Daniel?

Phoenix: Sounds hot to me.

SoL: That’s cause you’re married.

Little Red: Once I would be done with the blowpipe, tiny bubbles would rise within the glass like little boy-boners. With two blocks, Krimmy would help shape the glass depending on the design I had drawn on the parchment. This is not easy to do, especially when it comes to forming the neck of the vase. It takes years and years of experience to become good at such a thing. Once the vase is the size desired, the paddles are used to flatten the bottom. The vase can then be positioned onto the punty so that the top half of the vase may be tailored. Once everything is done, the glass needs to be slowly cooled.

Little Red sits up and begins to look grimly into the vase.

Little Red: And that’s what it all comes down. It can not be too hot, it can not be too cold, but to borrow a phrase from Goldilocks... it has to be...just right...

In a glorious stage of temper tantrum rage, Little Red lifts the glass vase in her hand and instantly spikes it into the ground like a football. The glass explodes like crystal fireworks, shattering everywhere into a million itty bitty tiny pieces.

Little Red: And that is why our Happily Ever After could never be. You were too hot, I was too cold, we could never be just right. It takes years upon years to craft sculptured glass to be just right, at the perfect temperature, with every built-in moment making it perfect. I thought we could be the same. From the bottom, to the top, to the left, to the right, and all of my heart, I loved you. I thought you could be my Prince Charming. I had even started collaging your face on my dollies. We were gonna build and craft our lives together. How wrong could I have been? I would have done anything for you. Anything.

Little Red gets down and both knees in front of what was a perfectly-sculptured glass vase being reduced to rubble.

Little Red: But then, in one fell swoop, you threw my heart down and shattered it like Humpty Dumpty. My fairytale dreams for True Love dissolved faster than an frigid ice cream cone sitting on the flaming sun. My dreams are broken. Destroyed because of you. Look at all these pieces. They can never be fixed or mended or anything. Is it not amazing how long it takes to build something so perfect, only to see it destroyed in one moment of distrust? Rest In Pieces dear Humpty Dumpty, and Rest In Pieces to you too cYnny.

She begins to grab several of the shards in her hands, then opens up her wicker basket. With her closed hand, she opens it to shower the basket with raining broken glass.

Little Red: Daniel? Did you ever wonder why I came down to ringside during your Martinez Cup match against Banger at Altered Reality IV? At sometime, you must have wondered why I came down to see you during the most important match of your life…with these glass shards in this wicker basket? Contrary to what you must have believed, it was not because I had a crush on you and wanted to help you realize your lifelong dream. Oh no. And it was not so I could pay tribute to the story of your glorious debut when you defeated the hardcore legend “Sick” Nick in a Taipei Death match with similar glass like this.

Little Red focuses her attention once again on the main camera, staring through the camera at cYnical watching on a monitor. She takes the dead rose that had fallen from the vase before it was thrown down. She takes the decayed rose and begins to smell its death.

Little Red: We could never be just right. To me, these broken shards represent all that was left of us. It is the accident of you and me. No matter if all the Kings men and all the Kings horses came to repair it, nothing can mend our hearts back together. Tonight, I am gonna make you feel the pain that has been inside my broken heart for nearly three years. I am gonna have Krimmy take his axe and lacerate your stomach like a zipper we should have done so long ago. Your stomach will be pouring blood like the Big Bad Wolf. When the loops of your intestines are hanging out of your tummy and I will play jump rope with them. And you will watch as I take out your heart and see its final beats.

Suddenly, Little Red pulls out a piece of parchment. It’s the same letter that she had received before.

Little Red: Because guess what? I will find a new man. I have Prince Charmings lining up at the door of my playground, begging for me to be with them. I will find my true love. And you will regret the day you told you loved me, then left me to rot in your disastrous life.

Little Red throws the decayed flower to the ground as she walks out. “The Crimson” begins to play again as the camera pans in on the fallen dead rose laid on top of the broken glass…

See alsoEdit

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