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The Fool on the Hill was an e-wrestling promo written by Jude Maxwell on March 12, 2009 for a Texas Bullrope match against Jeff Watson at the Inferno pay-per-view, Take No Prisoners. The promo was inspired and quote lyrics by The Beatles' song of the same name from the album Magical Mystery Tour, recorded in 1967.

PromoEdit

Day after day
Alone on the hill
The man with the foolish grin
is keeping perfectly still


*****


Bill. Honestly, Jude? What’s the point?

Jude. Searching for the truth, Bill, what else is the point?

Bill. Oh, really. And since when did you become a crusader of the truth?

Jude. Ever since I heard the poor, poor plight of my absolutely honorable opponent, Jeff Watson.

The two men are, in actuality, speaking inside a holding cell and sitting in front of an interrogation table. If there is any actual interrogation about to happen, we aren’t sure of it yet. Jude has the TV title belt slung over his shoulder even though he is not in his wrestling attire, and is wearing a pair of shades even though the room is very dimly lit. There is a folder laying on the table, which Jude opens and takes the contents of; stacks of paper stapled together, like a script. He reads them, ignoring Bill, who is looking at him.

Bill. Hmph. Fine. Who’s first?

Jude. Send in... Hatchet Ryda.

Bill. Very well.

Bill stands up and walks out of the cell. Moments later, he returns with the LPW Hardcore Champion, Hatchet Ryda.

Hatchet. Okay, what the fuck is going on here?

Bill. Mr. Maxwell has some questions for you. Sit down.

Jude. Thanks very much for coming, Hatchet. Please, have a seat.

Hatchet sits down, opposite the two be-suited men.

Jude. Tell me, Hatchet, are you aware of the ongoing issues Mr. Jeff Watson has regarding his wife, Mrs. Maria Watson?

Hatchet. You think I’m a fucking idiot, Maxwell? Of course I do! Who doesn’t know that?

Jude. Relax, Hatchet. That question was just a formality. Of course you do. How could I have possibly underestimated your intelligence?

Hatchet. Get to the point.

Jude. The point? Really? Is that where you want me to get to? The point?

Hatchet. Do I have to scream every word, Maxwell?

Jude. Would you? I got hit near my left ear last Inferno and since then I could barely hear properly with it-

Hatchet (angry). I don’t have time for your games, Maxwell!

Jude. Very well. Clearly you’re not in the mood for any humoring from me. I shall get to the point, and the point is this: did YOU have sexual relations with Maria Watson?

Hatchet. Yes. Yes, I have.

Silence follows. The party of Jude and Bill clearly wasn’t expecting that answer. Hatchet breaks into a laugh.

Hatchet. I mean, who hasn’t, ‘nah’mean? But, man, I’m not the one who knocked her up. I wear my rubbers, thank you very much.

Jude. Now that you mention it, that’s good enough for us…but you’re not the one we’re looking for.

Bill. Thanks anyway.

Hatchet. So, we’re cool?

Jude. I’ve got no more questions for you.

Bill. You can go.

Hatchet and Bill get up. Bill opens the door of the cell as Hatchet excitedly exits.

Hatchet (to everyone outside). Hey everybody! You wouldn’t guess what that was all about!

Bill (to Jude). Everybody’s going to admit they did her. What exactly are we looking for, Jojo?

Jude (exaggeratedly). The truth, Bill, the truth!

*****


But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer


*****


Jude. Send in the next guy.

Bill opens the door again and calls out.

Bill. Big B. Brown!

The massive Brown just barely fits in through the holding cell door. Bill gestures to the empty seat across the table from where he and Jude are sitting, and Brown heeds this.

Jude. Mr. Brown, thank you for joining us.

Brown. I know what this is about, Hatchet said it outside. I did do Maria. She even told me it was the best she’s ever had. We were doing it in every position you can imagine, you know, missionary, doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, piledri-

Jude (interrupting). Okay, thank you, Mr. Brown! ...By any chance, were you wearing a condom?

Brown. Well... yeah. She made me.

Jude. I see. Well, that’s that. Thank you, Mr. Brown, no more questions.

Brown gets up.

Brown. If you need to know more about the lovin’, let me know!

Jude (slightly disgusted). We’ll be in touch.

*****


But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round


*****


Jude. Okay, send in the next person.

Bill. Hold on, Jude. Exactly what answer are we looking for here?

Jude (leans closer). Do you have a problem with the quest for the truth, Bill?

Bill. No, I don’t, but haven’t we heard enough? I’m assuming all the guys you called here today DID have sex with Maria!

Jude. Is that your perception of the LPW locker room, and of Mrs. Watson? That she is but a whore?

Bill. No, that’s actually my prediction for this little game you’re playing.

Jude. Game? What game? Let me tell you, Bill, the search for truth is not just some-

Bill (agitated). Oh, stop it, will you? Just stop it. You want to prove a point to Jeff Watson, tell him in a hundred words or less, don’t be running a circus here!

Jude. Funny you should mention “circus”, Bill. Once you’re done lecturing me, call in Blackwell.

Bill. Too bad, because I’m not done. What is the point of all this, anyway? I don’t think any of these guys were the ones who knocked her up... unless you’re hiding something.

Jude. There is nothing for me to hide, Bill, I’m an avatar of honesty, an archon of truth, a champion of goodwill…

Bill. You’re hiding something, Jude Maxwell.

Jude. The only thing I’m hiding right now is my growing impatience with this interrogation. I’m the one supposed to be doing the interrogating here!

Bill. Fine. You know what, I’m through arguing with you, because eventually you’re going to reveal to me what the whole point is anyway.

Jude. Must it come from my mouth, Bill? Honestly? There’s only one point I’m trying to make here.

Bill. I’ve got an idea, but I’m holding my tongue until this is all over.

Jude. Really, Bill, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what I’m getting at.

*****


Well on the way,
Head in a cloud,
A man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud


*****


Blackwell enters the room and Bill gestures to the empty seat across Jude. Blackwell sits down, removes his top hat, and puts it on the table.

Blackwell (speaks first). I didn’t do her.

Jude (slightly surprised). ...Really?

Blackwell (pauses a bit). ...Are you kidding me? Of course I did! That wench is a slut!

Bill. Condom?

Blackwell. Made me.

Jude. Then you’re not the man we’re looking for.

Blackwell. You know, that Watson boy has got it all wrong. He needs to accept the fact that his wife is sleeping around the locker room and there isn’t nothing about it he can change. Except, man up, of course.

Jude (nods). I know. Thank you for your analysis.

Bill. And thank you for your time.

Bill stands up and opens the cell door, which Blackwell takes as his own cue to leave.

Bill. So who’s the next victim?

Jude. Mr. Cash Flo.

Bill (hesitant). Do we have to? I honestly can’t stand that guy.

Jude. Tarry, Bill, the truth awaits!

Bill (resigns). Fine.

Bill walks out for a moment, and returns with Cash Flo right behind him.

Cash Flo. Yo, Maxwell, what is this about? If this isn’t for a shot at that TV title of yours, then I’m not interested.

Jude. Oh, enough with your inanity and take a seat.

Cash Flo. Tell me what this is about, first.

Jude. It’s about Jeff Watson. Now sit down.

Cash Flo (sitting down). Hmm. What about that loser?

Jude. Well, quite frankly, did you have sexual relations with Maria?

Cash Flo. Almost.

Jude. Almost?

Cash Flo. Yeah, almost.

Jude (waits for a continuation, but finds that he won’t get any). ...and what do you mean by “almost”?

Cash Flo. Maria seduced me in the locker room. But I thought of Logo and declined the offer.

A sneeze came from Bill’s direction, suspiciously sounding a little like the word “gay”. Cash Flo shot him a look but Bill just shrugged, playing innocent.

Jude. Okay. So you didn’t do her.

Cash Flo. ‘Fraid I didn’t.

Jude. Okay. I’m done with you, then.

Cash Flo. No, you’re not, you owe me a title shot, you slimy motherfucker-

Jude. Oh, get the fuck out of my sight.

Cash Flo. I ain’t going anywhere until you fight me-

Jude (to Bill). Bill, if you don’t mind?

Bill walks over to Cash Flo.

Bill (putting a hand on Flo’s shoulder). Come on, Cash Flo, time for you to go.

Cash Flo (pauses, then brushes off Bill’s hand). Fine. Fine, I’m going. But I’m not done with you, Maxwell.

Jude. Go fly a kite.

Cash Flo glares one last time before exiting, with the door held open by Bill.

Bill (after Cash Flo leaves). Who’s next?

Jude. Next person I have in mind isn’t outside. I’ll have to call him.

Bill. Okay.

Bill hands over his cellphone, and Jude dials a number.

Jude (on the phone). Yes, hello. It’s Jude Maxwell. Do you have a moment? I’d like to meet with you, to talk about Jeff Watson...

*****


But nobody ever hears him
Or the sound he appears to make
And he never seems to notice

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning ‘round



*****


Bill. So when is this mystery man showing up?

Jude. Any moment now.

Bill. And who is he?

Jude. You’ll find out.

After Jude speaks, there is a knock on the cell door.

Jude. That’s probably him. Open up the door, Bill.

Bill goes to the door and opens it; standing in the doorway is none other than The New Breed and Insanity’s color commentator himself, SoL; Jeff Watson’s former stablemate in The Entourage. SoL walks in.

Jude (standing up and shaking SoL’s hand). Thank you for taking the time, SoL.

SoL. I’d be happy to tell you all about that loser Watson.

Jude. Glad to hear that. Glad to hear it. Please, have a seat, sir.

SoL (sitting down). Well, what did you want to know? The New Breed knows a lot about Jeff Watson. Don’t be shy.

Jude. I only want to know one thing: did you have sexual relations with Maria Watson?

SoL laughs hard at the question. It takes a minute for him to calm down.

SoL. Did I have sexual relations with Maria? Did The New Breed have sexual relations with Maria?

Jude (slightly impatient). Yes, sir, that is the question.

SoL. Nigga, we passed Maria around the Entourage like she was a blunt!

Jude. Mmhmm.

Bill. But did you guys wear condoms?

SoL. Of course we did. We always wear rubbers when there be hos in our hotel rooms.

Jude. I see.

SoL. Lemme tell you one thing, nigga. That slut is Watson’s biggest problem. He’s gotta pull his head out of her pussy, which honestly doesn’t really belong to him anymore.

Jude. I’m aware of that.

SoL. She be doin’ everybody in the locker room, you know why? Because she doesn’t want to be with a loser like Watson anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore who it was, because everybody’s had a taste, and there ain’t nothing changing that.

Jude. I agree.

SoL. Now there’s an endless cycle going on there. He loses, Maria starts getting tired of it and fucks everybody, and this upsets him, making him lose even more. Goes on and on, you know? And honestly, objectively? If he wants to start winning, he gotta get over it and break that cycle himself.

Jude. You’re telling me this advice?

SoL. No, I’m just laying out my observations. I’m sure you thought the same things yourself.

Jude. I have, yes.

SoL. No worries, Jude, he’s gonna be so distracted with finding out whoever knocked her up. It’s gonna be a piece of cake for you, nigga.

Jude. I know that.

SoL. ...So is there anything else you wanted to know?

Jude. That was more than enough, sir. Thank you.

SoL. Right. So we done here?

Jude. Yes, yes. I’ve got nothing else to ask you, sir. Thank you again.

SoL (standing up). Awesome, awesome. The only thing bad about you beating him is that it’s only gonna make him whine more. Jesus christ, I can’t stand that motherfucker.

Jude (standing up too). It is annoying, isn’t it?

SoL. Fuck yeah it is! Man, if you manage to break his jaw or something, I’ma send you some of the finest hoes for a month.

Jude. I appreciate the offer.

Bill opens the cell door as SoL turns around to exit.

Jude. Thank you again, SoL.

SoL. Anytime, Maxwell.

Bill nods as SoL leaves the room, and closes the door after him.

Jude (looks at Bill with a triumphant smile). Well, Bill, were your predictions right?

Bill. Yes, they were.

Jude. And do you have any problems with it?

Bill (thinking). Strangely... not at all.

Jude. Good. Now call a cameraman, I have a little something I’d like to get on tape.

*****


And nobody seems to like him
They can tell what he wants to do
And he never shows his feelings

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning ‘round



*****


It’s a bright day in Jeff Watson’s Miami beachhouse. Clear spring day and not many people out on the beach. Jeff is relaxing in his lounge when he hears a knock on the door.

Jeff (calling out). It’s open!

A maid comes in, clutching a handful of envelopes and packages.

Maid. Today’s mail, señor.

Jeff. Thanks.

Today’s mail is boring, with the usual bills and spam, but there is one package, wrapped in a manila envelope, that appears interesting. Jeff rips it open to find a nondescript DVD case. Jeff opens the case and the DVD inside it is just as nondescript, but he takes it and walks over to his DVD player, popping the unassuming CD inside it.

The picture flares up and it is of Jude Maxwell, sitting in a chair, alone in the darkness.

Jude. Honestly, Jeffrey? How do you expect to win when you're, quite objectively, one of the stalest pieces of meat sitting on an LPW roster at, at least, one given point in time?

What do I mean? What can I possibly mean?

I've been an avid follower of LPW for quite some time now. I had my eye on this federation, this is why I chose to join this very federation. And I remember, some time two years ago, or maybe even more, that you proceeded to valiantly defend your damsel against anyone who dared even speak a neutral verb towards her name.

And, yet, here you are, two years later, several title shots later, one faction later, one draft later, one Altered Reality later, continuing to base your very existence and performance in this federation on your rabid and utterly pointless defense and denial of betrayal of your wife. To simply put it, in the parlance of the industry, you have been running just ONE angle and ONE gimmick in all the time you were in the spotlight.

This is why you are where you still are. This is why you do not have a championship to your name. This is why you do not have anyone's respect to your name, not even your old friends from the Entourage, all who have up and moved on to brighter things, leaving you where you were before their influence; struggling in the dark, and fighting pointless fights. This is why you will never stand a chance at defeating me when you step in that ring with me and have yourself tied up with me at Take No Prisoners.

Because of your weakness. Your weakness, that is hardly the world's best-kept secret.

You can kiss all your dreams goodbye, Jeffrey.

Until you learn to fight for the bigger picture, you are nothing.

You were nothing.

You are nothing.

And you will continue to be..

...nothing.

Jude stands up and the lights in the scene turn on, revealing the interrogation room seen earlier, and Jude walks out of frame. Just when it seems that the DVD can be turned off now, Jude pops back into frame, a little comically.

Jude. Oh, and if you’re wondering whether I was the one who impregnated Maria, well, you see, the truth is, I-

And as suddenly as Jude returned to frame, the video went black, creating a really frustrating cliffhanger. Jeff begins to punch his TV in rage over being so close to the truth, until he finally cracks the screen.

Then he lets loose a primal scream, of frustration, depression, impatience, and pure, unadulterated anger.

*****


And he never listens to them,
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him,

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning ‘round


See alsoEdit

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