The Last Word was the final e-wrestling promo written by Wevv Mang in November 2006 after the All or Nothing tag team match at Altered Reality III, in which Wevv teamed with Schizophrenia general manager in a loss against PWA owner Villiano 187 and Pyromania general manager Cher. The segment was re-posted as the final installment of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.
After The Last Word, Wevv took a brief retirement before returning when the PWA was renamed Lords of Pain Wrestling (LPW), of which his next collection of work is seen; The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The LPW Years.
Promo[]
Outside the PWA Office Buildings In Cleveland Ohio
Two days after Altered Reality 3 set attendance records in the New Orleans Superdome, and on Pay Per View buy rates.
A podium has been set up in front of the PWA Office buildings, on a cold and blustery day. The sky is gray and threatening rain, or snow. A small group of news reporters are huddled in jackets against the frigid cold. No one looks like they want to be there, but they have a job to do. From inside the building, through the front doors, Wevv Mang and Mr. Wang are pushed out by a cadre of security guards. The boxes Mr. Wang was carrying tumble to the ground, spilling their contents. Picture frames bounce, and glass breaks. The doors slam behind them, as two security guards take up a position in front of the sealed doors. They hold stun guns, with neon blue energy crackling at their business end.
Wevv and Mr. Wang pick themselves up, and dust themselves off. Mr. Wang is strangely shiny, and covered in hives. Wevv has a black eye, and a bandage over his nose. His also moves stiffly, his legs barely moving at all. He bends from the waist and gently starts to replace his things in the box. Mr. Wang helps him. Kenzo holds up a big blue mug, that has “Worlds Greatest Boss” on the side. The mug is mostly intact, except for a huge sliver that has broken off from the side.
The news people hustle forward, and camera lights turn on and focus on Wevv and Mr. Wang, who look to have forgotten they had schedule the press conference. Wevv straightens up, and adjusts his tie. He then walks over to the podium. He taps the mic to see if it’s on. Loud thumps and feedback respond.
Wevv: Ah, yes, please, forgive me folks, I had forgotten about this conference. It’s been a very…trying…day.
The reporters start to shout questions, basically the same one, reworded over and over again. “ Are you quitting?”
Wevv: Please! Please! No questions at this time! I will explain my current position with the PWA shortly. But first, I would like to offer my congratulations to Team Schizophrenia for dominating another year of Alter Reality. I am proud of you. For the sake of diplomacy, I will say that you really stepped up your game and that I had nothing to do with it. Nevermind the fact that I had planned it. Oh no! Don't even mention my name, because I’m the Bad Guy! The most vile and evil man you could ever think of! Rotten to the core! Scum of the Earth!
Wevv turns and looks up at the front of the PWA building. He yells out:
Wevv: A SELFISH, EGOTISTICAL KNOW IT ALL WHO SUCKS…what was it? Oh yes. DONKEY ASS! FUCK WEVV! FUCK HIM IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING ASS! FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!
Wevv takes a deep breath, and breathe out slowly. He mutters an “ow” and holds his nose. He closes his eyes and takes another deep breath. As he exhales again, he opens his eyes, puts on a megawatt smile, and grabs the side of the podium.
Wevv: Forgive my outburst. As you can see, I am not in the greatest of moods. TO have reached so very high, only to fall so very low, well, it’s not something that I am familiar with. I know what the question on your minds is. Am I truly leaving the PWA, like I said I would, hell, I promised it, didn't I, since I lost the Brawl For it All, the Battle for Control, the Fight to Set it Right? The answer is…
Wevv: Yes and no.
Wevv: Now, hold on! Hold your questions! I will answer them. I am leaving the PWA, on a sabbatical. A very long, very extended, perhaps permanent sabbatical. I have relinquished my managerial and executive duties, and am now, merely a contracted….em…em…em….employ….Talent. Just like everybody else. (muttering under his breath) which is bullshit.
Wevv: You see, Villiano and I simply can't exist in the same company. In fact, the same country is pushing it. I had asked, through the proper diplomatic channels, if I could have a say in which brand I would wind up on. HE replied sure, if I was willing to fight for it. I said of course I would be willing to fight to stay on Schizo. He said fine, and to show what a gracious winner he was, he would even make the match my favorite.
Wevv: Now, I’m sure you’re thinking what I was thinking. What kind of match would it be? A Last Man Standing Match? Perhaps one of my classic Iron Man matches? But I sense a trap. I saw it immediately. Who would I be facing?
Wevv: The answer would come as a surprise.
Wevv grabs the bridge of his nose and crosses his arms. He turns slightly sideways, and speaks over his shoulder.
Wevv: My opponent would be Petey.
Wevv: Who is Petey? Do we even have a Petey in this company? I asked. No, Villiano replied. He was going to be flown in special, just for this match.
Wevv: I did some research. Do you know who Petey is?
Wevv: Petey is a bear. A real live bear. In fact, he’s one of Big Josh’s bears. IN FACT, he’s the bear who urinated on Mr. Wang. IT SEEMS that in bear culture, urinating on some one is some kind of sign of affection, and Mr. Wang, who I might add IS INDEED allergic to bear urine, did not show the proper respect for such comradely. IN FACT, Petey was SO traumatized by Mr. Wang’s callous disregard his actions, that Petey has gone insane and taken to a life of crime. IN FACT, Petey has mauled several campers at Yellowstone. He has even corrupted several of the younger bears and has formed a gang. This “gang” is suspected to be the group responsible for the daring daylight robberies of several large and expensive pic-i-nic baskets.
Wevv: THEN, THEN I find out what type of match I’m going to face Petey, the Motherfucking Bear, in. Oh, it is one of my favorites, no doubt about that. To watch, but to actually participate in? No.
Wevv turns around and yells at the building.
Wevv: YOU'RE A SICK MAN! YOU KNOW THAT? HUH? SICK!!!
Wevv turns back and takes several short breathes. He speaks, but his voice cracks in several places.
Wevv: The match was to be…to be… Jell-o In the Cell-O!
Wevv: BUT THAT’S NOT THE WORST PART! OH NO! THERE’S MORE! That depraved, vile…
The doors open behind Wevv and man runs out, carrying a garment bag. The man speaks to Wevv.
Man: Wevv, listen, I have a message from Vil. He says this has gone on long enough, and if you insist on talking much longer, then that’s as good as agreeing to the match. So, if I could just get a fitting?
Wevv: I haven’t agreed to anything!
Man: Right. Just stand still.
The man unzips the garment bag, and pulls out a Prom Queen Dress, complete with sash that says “ Drama Queen”. Wevv backs up in horror, before his face is transformed into rage.
Wevv: YOU SEE! You see what I would be putting up with!?!?! (doing a bad Vil impersonation) What’s homecoming without a homecoming queen?!? (In Wevv’s normal voice) You think I’ll subject myself to this kind of treatment? FUCK NO! AND FUCK YOU VILLIANO! I’M WEVV MOTHERFUCKING MANG!!! I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY!!
Wevv calms himself down. He takes a deep breath.
Wevv: Now, I bid you farewell.
Wevv puts his fingers to his lips and whistles loudly. A limo roars up the curb, nearly hitting several cameramen. Wevv leaves the podium and starts to walk briskly down the long flight of steps. Reporters swarm him, shouting questions.
Reporter: Wevv! What will you be doing?
Wevv: It’s an election year. I have plenty to be doing. Also, my good friend Shawn Carter asked if I could help him promote his return tour.
Reporter#2: You’re really quitting?
Wevv: To keep it simple, Yes. I quit. I can do that.
Reporter#3: You really think people will be sad you’re gone?
Wevv turns, hands on the door to his limo. He looks at the reporter, an angry retort on the tip of his tongue, when he sees something in the windows of the PWA building.
Wevv: What do you think?
He points to the windows, where a line of people are holding up hand made signs. The sign reads “ Goodbye Wevv!”
Wevv: And they say lawyers have no heart?
The group then flips over the signs, so that it reads “ See You In Court!” The group can be seen to be laughing and high fiving each other.
Wevv: Those bastards…
Wevv opens the door and gets in. Mr. Wang gets in the other side. Wevv slams the door, but soon, the window powers down. Wevv leans out and says.
Wevv: One last thing…
Wevv puts an arm through the window. He’s holding a remote control.
Wevv: One last little present…
He pushes the button, and from inside the building a mechanical voice can be heard.
Voice: THIS IS THE ED-209 POLICE DROID! YOU ARE IN A RESTRICTED AREA! YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO CLEAR THE AREA OR FORCE WILL BE AUTHORIZED! 10…9…7…3..1!
The sounds of machine gun fire can be heard, followed by a large explosion that blows open the side of the building. The reporters duck and cover. Wevv is smiling.
Wevv: You people forget that I have this!
Wevv holds up the Owner’s Cup.
Wevv: ONE YEAR! I have one year to challenge for any title I damn well please! IF I don't sell it or give it away! ONE YEAR! And good luck getting it back! I’m moving to a country where, to say the least, the extradition laws are non-existent! ONWARDS TO HAVANA! Out of sight, out of mind, but never out of touch, and definitely not out of my reach! SO LONG!
Wevv rolls up the windows, but his maniacal laughter can still be heard, as the limo peels out, and drives off into the distance…
THE END!
See also[]
