Billy Ray Cyrus flies through the air and hits the pavement hard.
Billy: OW! Do bloke my nobe!
Wevv: That’s right! I damn well broke you achy breaky nose! Now get the hell out of here you worthless has been!
Billy gets to his hands and knees, and starts to crawl away. Wevv dusts his hands and sits back down on the steps to the Arena. A sign next to him says “ Welcome to the Owner’s Cup Tournament! You chance for Stardom!”
Wevv: So far, so good Mr. Wang. Oh! Hello there! Wevv Mang here! You may be wondering what I’m doing, here at the La Brea Tar Pits. Well, since the next round of the Owner’s Cup is taking place, here at this historical venue, I took it upon myself to help weed out the silliness that seems to breed at this event. You see, I feel that what this event needs is what only I can provide. Prestige. Dignity. And…. excuse me. Can I help you?
A trio of oddly colored people walk up to Wevv.
Orange one: DUDE! Is this where we can get our chance for Superstardom?
Wevv: Yes. And who are you?
Group: Ready! Let’s GO!
Purple and Pink One: I’m Deedee!
Orange and Yellow One: I’m MOE!
Blue One: I’m ROONEY!
Group: And We’re the DOODLEBOPS!
They start to sing and dance. Wevv, with his arms crossed, and not smiling looks over a madly grinning Mr. Wang, who is cracking his knuckles.
Wevv: Shut up. Do you have your forms?
The group pauses, and Rooney gives Wevv a folded piece of paper. Wevv reads it, as they burst back into song.
Wevv: SILENCE! Enough! Everything seems to be in order. If you would follow my associate inside?
Mr. Wang steps forward and opens the door and motions for the Doodlebops to enter. They do. Still singing. The door closes and the song cuts off. Thumps are suddenly heard. Wevv sits down on the steps and shakes his head. He looks up at the camera.
Wevv: Lucky bastard. You see, some one had to stand up and say enough of this circus. I mean really, this is a contest to become a champion! You fools seem to have forgotten what a true champion is all about. A champion is the face of this company. A champion is the epitome of respect. It’s not about circus antics and..silliness. So, I have taken it upon myself, AGAIN, to add a little DIGINITY to these proceedings. Leading by example. I refuse to allow myself to become another sideshow attraction in an endless parade of them. And I happen to get my aggression out at the same time. Well, that’s just peachy.
Wevv: You see, my next opponent is all about cheap theatrics. Yes Pen, I am talking about you. You scream fire in a crowded room, and suddenly, every other bonehead starts echoing you and crying for attention. You are an annoying gnat that refuses to be squashed and done with. I will not give you my anger. I will not give you my frustration. I will give you….nothing. I will spend my anger here. Exterminating these…clowns, who are exactly like you. Desperate for attention. And who just won’t go away.
Wevv suddenly stands, and throws a garbage can into the night. It hits something that goes “OOPH”.
Wevv: I warned you once Cyrus! Don't make me break a foot off in your achy-breaky ass!
Billy Ray: I’m leaving!
Wevv lights a cigar. The door to the arena opens, and a very bloody Rooney crawls out.
Rooney: Help us! Moe needs medical attention!
Wevv just kicks him in the face. Mr. Wang appears behind him. He salutes Wevv.
Wevv: What did you do with their instruments?
Mr. Wang just chuckles. Rooney goes pale.
Mr. Wang drags a screaming and clawing Rooney back into the building. The door closes.
Wevv: The louder they scream, the less good it does them. Do you see the lesson Pen? You want many things from me. And you are desperate to get them. While I, on the other hand, only want one thing from you. I want you gone.
Wevv smirks into the camera.
Wevv: And I will get what I want. By ANY means necessary.
From the distance a large white object waddles up the path.
Wevv: What in the blue hell are you?
Object: I’m Flo the Feminine Hygiene Mascot!
Wevv just stares. He finally blinks and shakes his head.
Wevv: Um, yeah. Do you have your form?
The long cylindrical object hands Wevv a piece of paper. Wevv reads it. He reaches behind him and picks up a baseball bat. He stares at it as he speaks.
Wevv: You know, I usually don't advocate violence against women, but lucky for us, you’re just a giant tampon.
Wevv grins and smacks the bat into his palm, and takes a step forward.
Flo: Hey! Hey! What are you going to do with that? HEY! Stay away from me! HELP!
Flo starts to run, and Wevv starts to give chase. He pops back into camera and says:
Wevv: Remember judges, Wevv Mang! Prestige, Dignity, and above all, Respectability! Choose Wevv. YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE FLO! THE STRING ALWAYS GIVES YOU AWAY!