The band plays us back from commercial. The scene is the Pontiac Garage Theatre, and the event is mid-show of Jimmy Kimmel Live! Jimmy is standing up, in front of the cameras, and he makes an announcement.
The conversation turns to mindless chatter from there. As I let the pleasantries, witty remarks, and false humility flow, I let myself slide into the character that I have created. The genial gentleman. The spokesman. The charming rogue. It’s second nature to me now. Ah, he wants to talk about the book.
Jimmy: Thank you! Thank you! Our next guest is truly a very important person. He’s a business man, author of the number one best selling author of the book, “ I Have A Plan!”!, and a not only is he a professional wrestler, he’s also co-owner of the Psychotic Wrestling Alliance, let’s have a warm round of applause for WEVV MANG!!!
Wevv comes out from the back, waving at the crowd. Mr. Wang is right behind him. Wevv shakes Jimmy’s hand and takes a seat on the couch.
Jimmy: Who’s your friend?
Wevv: That’s Mr. Wang, he’s my associate…
Wevv: If you read the first book, and I know that you are a proud owner of one of the over 500,000 copies sold, then you know the earliest part of my story.
My parents were liberal teachers, who on their summer breaks would take my brother and myself to God forsaken places. I saw Kenya before I saw Great America. I saw Panama before I saw Star Wars. I was not raised with a silver spoon in my mouth. There was no nanny, no butler. No hired help at all.
“It’s Wevv Birthday! Who wants to take his cherry? Come on you sluts! Make this kids fucking life!”
I nailed Miss March 1985. Tommy, a truly kind and caring soul. Thanks Tommy.
Wevv: I was a child with exceptional intellect and drive, I wanted more than summer vacations in poverty. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be more. I wanted to be a rock star. Sadly, my skill with musical instruments was lacking. So, I did the next best thing. I became a manager. I became a promoter. I traveled across the country with rock stars. I lived life. I became a man. In fact, I lost my virginity at 15 while working with Motley Crue when they played the Rosemont. Tommy Lee found out I was a virgin, and that it was also my birthday. With the diplomacy of Henry Kissinger, he yelled out to the backstage party:
That one was in the book. Buy it. There’s plenty more stories where that came from. But the book ended with my saying goodbye to not only my hero, but also my closest friend at the time, Yngwie Malmsteen, after a less than stellar tour of Japan. I was staying. He was going. And my life would never be the same.
Wevv: Picture it if you can. I young man who had just sealed the deal of a lifetime. Woodstock ’94. Pepsi as a sponsor. The money was just pouring in. I was richer than I’d ever dreamed. All of this before my 25 birthday. I was a millionaire. I was young. I had it all. I’d traveled the world. All that was missing was the one thing I now was going to pursue. Oh yes, there was a girl. Isn't there always?
]I had met her doing publicity for Yngwie’s concert. She was an aspiring reporter. I was hit with love at first site. I had to stay. I had to try. I could always go back. But for now, I wanted to take some time for me. And Japan would be where I did it.
I spoke Japanese, was skilled in finance, I knew the entertainment scene in the states intimately. I had no problem getting a job. Only I was paid a fraction of my worth. My first, and not my last, encounter with the bias against gaijin. But it didn't matter. I worked. I lived. I dated, and things were grand.
She worked for the Japan Broadcasting Corporation (NHK). I met her brother briefly when I hired some of his wrestling from the New Japan promotion to help with a concert. I worked for him as an international publicist. I also got a job working at NHK. It went slowly, but steadily. After a small debate with a wrestler over pay, I decided that wrestling was something I would like to learn. After my wrist healed. I instantly recognized the value behind such training and signed up, learning under Kenta Kobashi.
I got a job on a Japanese game show.
Indeed, life was good. But all of that changed in an instant. Late one night, coming out of a karaoke bar, after celebrating another spectacular, show-stealing loss as the European Conqueror, in a dark alley, my life was shattered. An attack by so-called Yakuza decided that my friend, and girlfriend’s brother, needed to be an example of. That was the night I met Mr. Wang. I saved his life, and he saved mine. He was betrayed that night, and me? I was simply collateral damage.
Wevv Mang was born that night. My life was taken from me, and I vowed that I would take theirs from them. I didn't know whom, I didn't know why, but I learned, oh yes, I learned and waited, and grew and when the time was right, I launched my Plan. Revenge was my motive, power my tool, and anger my drive. I risked all, and gained much. My influence grew in leaps and bounds. When I left Japan in the fall of 1998, only I was left standing. The exact details of my deeds cannot be put into print. Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, Russian, European, and American agencies made that quite clear.
The next few years were spent repaying debts, and incurring more than a few on my part. And a few paths were crossed, leading to the injunction to “Stay in sight”. So, I did. I became a professional wrestler. Sitting on my laurels in not my style, and I missed the challenges, both physical and mental. There’s nothing like literally pounding some one’s face in, as opposed to doing so financially. Oh sure, I still do that, but I have to keep it quiet. What they don't know won’t hurt them, eh? Take that KRISPY KREME! Sons of bitches too good to advertise on my wrestling show, eh? Well, say goodbye to Arizona. HAHAHA! Jack-offs.
Damn, Kimmel wants to do something, better start paying attention.
Jimmy: So Wevv, you have a pretty big match coming up. Owner’s Cup Final Four. I see here that you're taking on Cyrus? Who’s Cyrus?
Wevv: No idea. HAHAHA! But seriously Jimmy, Cyrus is a tremendous athlete, and has a bright future in the PWA. But he’s facing me, and well, I’ll try not to end his bright future, but I can’t promise that. It’s a shame that he has to face off against me.
Jimmy: Especially since you’re a co-owner of the company! I mean, can't you just pull some strings and get him disqualified?
Wevv: The thought had crossed my mind, but there are rules, and I have a reputation to protect. As a fair and honest, incorruptible Director of Schizophrenia. I must lead by example. My hands are tied in this instance. I must abide by the rules.
Jimmy: Well Wevv, to help you get ready for your match, we have a special exhibition match we’d like you to take part in!
Wevv: really I don’t think-
Jimmy: Are you folks ready?!? Let’s introduce tonight’s combatants! From Hoboken New Jersey, it’s Cousins Sal “ The Destroyer”! Look out Wevv, he’s been eating a lot of cabbage to get ready for tonight’s match!
Wevv: Really Jimmy, do you think this is wise? Wait, cabbage? What does that have to do with anything?
Cousin Sal: OH YEAH! DIG IT BROTHER! YOU’RE GOING DOWN TO THE ATOMIC GAS ATTACK! OH YEAH!
Jimmy: Cabbage gives Sal really bad gas, let me tell you, on this one trip to Vegas, but that can wait. Sal’s tag team partner is none other than the Insane Luchador Guilermo!
Guillermo: Please Mr. Wevv! Don't hurt me! This wasn’t my idea!
Sal: OH YEAH! SNAP INTO IT! SURRENDER WEVV! YOU CAN'T BEAT US BROTHER!
Wevv: You insist on this, Kimmel?
Jimmy: What? We thought it would be fun! Come on Wevv! (Jimmy turns to the crowd) You guys want to see this right?
The crowd roars it’s approval.
Wevv: Very well, but sadly, I cannot take part. Mr. Wang?
Mr. Wang walks up to Cousin Sal, who is flexing and posing.
Cousin Sal: OH YEAAAHHHH! COUSIN SAL GONNA WIPE THE MAT WITH YOU! YOU’RE GOING DO-URK!
Mr. Wang punches Cousin Sal in the throat. Cousin Sal drops to the ground, gasping for breath. Mr. Wang looks at Guillermo, who squeaks in terror and then runs off. Jimmy runs over to help his cousin.
Jimmy: Jesus Christ! We need a medic!
Wevv walks up to the camera, as Mr. Wang takes his place behind Wevv, and adjusts his bowler hat.
Wevv: I said my hands are tied. Mr. Wang, on the other hand, hah hah. Cyrus, watch your back. I know Mr. Wang will. We’ll be back after these quick messages. He’s fine Kimmel! Stop being such a wuss! Walk it off Sal! Walk it off!