We focus in on a podium with the LPW logo on it and the American flag daggling in the background. As the camera pans out, the Three Wisemen, CAK, Villiano and X take their places behind the podium to address the viewers.
Good Evening, ignorant Americans. We interrupt whatever boring promo you’re viewing now to bring you breaking news.
Tonight, we, the Three Wisemen, would like to address a plague that is spreading throughout our company. An epidemic is occurring; one that no man, not even the men the caliber of the trifecta you see in front of you, can prevent on its own. It’s time that we bring this horrible development to the forefront so you and everyone else are aware of the dilemma we are finding ourselves in.
You may wonder why I call you all ignorant, and then ask for your help. The truth is: you all are ignorant fucks and the sight of you makes me ill but I will say instead of placing the blames on others, we are solely placing the blame on you idiots because that’s where it belongs.
This outbreak of Rookie-phantitis is getting out of control. There is no pill or cream strong enough to reduce the puss-infected size of Rookie-phantitis but we are sick of it swelling the scrotum of the LPW organization and we are calling for it to be chopped off.
Villiano steps to the side as CAK takes center stage
You may ask yourselves, “But, Wisemen, how do you know we have Rookie-phantitis”? Sit down and shut the hell up. I’ll tell you the symptoms.
It all starts with a tickle in the sack. One little tickle; that tickle was the signing of all these jack-offs.
A shooting pain develops in the sack; that’s when all of these nobodies begin thinking they’re someone special after defeating another nobody in a match no one saw.
The infection sets in; have you seen these rookies speak? It makes me want to do bodily harm to the first baby that I see.
The scrotum looks irritated; that should’ve been the point where you go to the doctor and get yourself some medication but what do you do instead? You go on with the infection much like the LPW audience went along with these nameless ass-licks knowing full well you should’ve never done it.
My balls are swelling; and you’re thinking to yourself “what the hell?” but by this time, you can’t treat it. It has already taken over. Nothing you do is stopping it. It just won’t go away like you want it to. You know it’s not supposed to be there but damnit, it has moved in and not leaving.
The Rookie-phantitis must be stopped. I don’t want to punch anymore babies. Well...I coul...
Before CAK can finish, X steps to the forefront and takes center stage stage
It’s true. Rookie-phantitis has set in to the very fiber of LPW and it’s a pain that we no longer would like to bear. There has only been one, maybe two good side effects to Rookie-phantitis but I refuse to name them as that would give compliments to infection and I refuse to do that.
But for the most part, the infection must end. It’s an uncomfortable feeling knowing you have a large, useless tumor saddled to you and no remedy. That is why we are reaching out to you roaches.
We no longer need these people inhabiting this organization. People who don’t know who they want to be or what they want to be; how about you develop a personality first before thinking you’re anywhere near our caliber?
Most of them are unoriginal hacks who realized being themselves gets them nowhere so to be someone else who has made it…that’s the ticket!
How about you pissants do something original? Come up with your own “catch-phrase”, your own moves and your own personality. Don’t you know that nothing comes close to the original? You may think you’re being clever or witty but you look more ridiculous and incapable as a performer and/or wrestler when you imitate. One of the biggest cases of Rookie-phantitis is…
Villiano Edward Bennetton?
CAK The Watchmen?
Villiano Joe Michaels?
CAK Or is it Richard Michaels?
Villiano No, one of them is the brother of the other. I’m not sure who is older though.
CAK Yeah, me either.
X Rookie-phantitis at its finest: we don’t even know which one these two are! They’re just an added piece of puss to the outbreak.
But, the person I was speaking of is Monroe.
Villiano Hmmm…he’s the guy that won the…
CAK …oh wait, no, he defeated…
X …my point exactly.
Here is someone who has done nothing, has won no Championships, has had no big matches and yet, he feels he is owed something and that he’s a big success. And moreover, he feels he is ready for a “torch”.
Let me tell you something, Monroe, there is no torch. That is just what weak minded people think they need in order to feel as though they’ve made it. You have defined yourself by a figment of your imagination and that, in itself, is why you will always lose and are a failure amongst the infection. You don’t need validation from a torch; you should rely on your skills and mental prowess to get ahead but since you lack in both departments, I understand your plight.
You cannot have the “torch”. If I even cared about a “torch”, I wouldn’t pass it to an unsuccessful monster such as yourself. I wouldn’t want the legacy that I build to be sullied by your inept ability at getting the job done. This is why I will take great pleasure in dismembering you piece by piece. I figure, I’m no doctor, but in order for me to see the problem, I must get inside the body. What better way than to take you apart and study the infection up close.
You, the viewing audience, should be ashamed of yourselves. Everyone is quick to write letters to executives when the 16 year old at Dunkin Donuts stiffed you on a few pennies but not one of you has complained about the trash that this organization is feeding you. I’m ashamed of you people. You are the reason the scrotum of LPW has swollen beyond repair. Now, the Three Wisemen must do emergency procedures to save it. But, you know, we’ll cut it off slowly and let LPW feel the agonizing pain as a result of their bad decisions. A little pain never hurt anyone, right?
X flashes a small, cheesy smile then goes right back to a straight face
By the way, Monoroe, don’t steal my material. CYW is not a gimmick, it’s a lifestyle. You want a gimmick? Go talk to Richard Michaels. He has a whole gang of ‘em.
CAK You mean Joe Michaels, right?
X Doesn’t matter.
Director: …aaannnndddd cut!
Ben Starr: Wow. Good job, guys. I almost believed you hated the rookies.
Villiano: We don’t “hate” anyone. We dislike everyone equally. There’s a difference, Starr-boy.
Ben Starr: Ooook. Hey X, give it your all in this match with Monroe. It’s the last match before you compete for the World HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! At Insane Asylum.
Ben Starr: Meh? MEH!?
X: Who cares?
Ben Starr: You have a chance to finally main event Altered Reality by winning at Insane Asylum. That doesn’t give a little woody? Because let me tell ya, I’ve got a little bit growing dow…
X: …I am not defined by a Championship. I will define the Championship. Don’t you realize? I’ve done almost everything except one thing. One little goal. That’s my focus and with a draft coming…my goal may come to fruition. Mhm..to fruition…
…but, I must prepare myself for a game of "Slap-A-Rookie". Boys, lets go grab a drink.
CAK: I don’t drink.
X: You can have a Shirley Temple.
Villiano: And a bite to eat too. I’m starving.
X: I’ll split a piece of celery with you. S’all you get.
Ben Starr: LOL. Yes, that’s right, I said LOL instead of laughing. I’m cool. Hey, what spot are we hitting up?
X: Only those members who have held Championship gold are going. Unfortunately for you, peon, that doesn’t include ya.
Ben Starr: …oh…well, uh, you…you guys enjoy your night out. Yeah…yeah, I’ll just sit here and edit this together. Ya know, I’ve got work to do…then I’ll just call this girl up, she has been begging for a piece of the Shooting Starr. And then we’ll…
The Three Wisemen rolls their eyes and began walking away from Ben.
X: See? Another case of a fucking rookie trying to make himself look important. This Rookie-phantitis must end…